When Vice President Vance Does the Dales

12th August 2025

Well, it’s not every day the Vice President of the United States turns up in the Cotswolds for a spot of R&R. But imagine — just imagine — if instead of sipping artisanal lattes in quaint Gloucestershire tea rooms, Vice President Vance booked a week at Thisledo Holiday Cottage in Skipton.

The Dales, of course, would never be the same.

First, there’s the matter of the motorcade. Skipton’s High Street might be wide by Yorkshire standards, but try squeezing a convoy of black SUVs, a limousine, an ambulance, a SWAT van, and possibly a small tank past the Wednesday market stalls without knocking over the cheese stand. Not to worry though — the locals would simply shrug, step aside, and mutter “Ey up, must be summat going on at Town Hall.”

Day One would start with a trip to Skipton Castle. The Secret Service, bless ’em, would have to check every arrow slit for potential security threats (mainly pigeons). Vance would marvel at the medieval banquet hall, while his team quietly wondered if they could fortify the place and just call it a day.

Day Two might involve a canal boat ride. Picture the VP in a life jacket, waving awkwardly at walkers on the towpath while being given a full briefing on the dangers of rogue swans. At the first swing bridge, his detail would spring into action, only to find a cheerful narrowboat captain called Barry explaining, “Nah mate, you just push it open like this.”

A trip to Bolton Abbey would be inevitable — perfect for photo ops. But instead of the solemn serenity the Priory usually offers, there’d be a swarm of earpiece-wearing agents scanning the horizon for suspicious sheep. (Spoiler: the sheep are always suspicious.)

The pièce de résistance? A stop at Bizzie Lizzie’s for fish and chips. Vance would try to eat quietly, but there’s no blending in when you’re flanked by eight men in sunglasses who are all pretending to read the menu. Meanwhile, the locals would simply keep dipping their chips in curry sauce and carry on as though this is just another Tuesday.

By the end of the week, the VP would leave with a suitcase full of Wensleydale cheese, a newfound respect for Yorkshire tea, and a deeply puzzled expression after being told, “Tha’s welcome back any time, lad — but next time bring your President with yer.”

And frankly, we think he’d have enjoyed the Dales far more than the Cotswolds. After all… there’s no better security than a Yorkshire welcome — especially when it comes with a brew and a biscuit.